I was a nerd. And not only a nerd, a really lame one. I had all the qualities of a nerd but i was not in anyway intelligent or talented as nerds normally are. (And by the way, I admire nerds, cause usually they are damn smart and hardworking, this just wasn't my case.) I had hardly ever done any exercise in my life, I was mainly eating noodles with butter and I preferred to hide under my blanket reading a book than to actually go out to the real world and exprience the things myself. I was content, I was even happy, I wasn't suffering and I felt that things were going good. Until something happened. I traveled to the other side of the world, met new people but most of all met a person who opened my eyes. I realized I hadn't lived at all. I had lived, physically yes, but I hadn't experienced nothing and I knew that somewhere along the way I had lost my self. I was not being me, I somehow thought that I shouldn't be the way I really was because it was not (lacking a better word) appropriate. Then I realized that I simply (pardon my language) do not give a fuck.

So I started to change myself, I started to eat better, I started to gain confidence, but this time a different kind of confidence. I started to change my style and I started to get to know myself and also I started to get to know the world. All this was really scary. Honestly, especially knowing the world part. Sometimes it still scares the shit out of me. Luckily I have someone helping me. I am not alone. But yes the truth to be told, knowing the world has made my life some sort of a rollercoaster. Just imagine this, normally you learn things about life, people and world slowly. Everyday you learn something new, you get time to adjust to the gooda and to the bad things. For me when I opened my eyes all the things, good and bad, started to rush in on me so fast that I could hardly take them in. Sometimes the good things made me so happy I wanted to cry, I felt good about me, my life, the world. But then the bad things. I wanted to run, as fast as I could. I freaked out, I got these short but intensive depression attacks. Too much. And when I thought I couldn't handle it anymore, when I was about nothing to close my eyes again he caught me. Sometimes HE pushed me over the edge but somehow he really caught me.

I am still on this path. I still fight everyday not to close my eyes again. I try to enjoy the good and the bad things and be calm as they come. It's not easy though. I am also (like so many women) trying to fight against my inner voice who is telling me how much better idea it is to eat eat eat and how boooring and useless it is to exercise. I'm now trying to kill that voice. I don't want to go back to my new self.